I know that God lives. I couldn't always say that, however. Ever since I can remember, my parents taught me the important things in life. I was raised in a home that had its challenges (as do all homes) but my parents were unwavering in always trying to teach us right from wrong, to love others, to make good choices, to prepare for a mission, ultimately get married for time and all eternity, and be a good husband and father. I always felt comfortable inside as they would share their views on why these things were important.
That said, I reached a point during my teen years where I started to question the existence of God. I struggled to tell this to my parents, because I felt it would break their heart to think that I was struggling. Looking back, I believe this was a very pivotal time in my life. It's something I think every person needs to go through to break free from believing only out of tradition or intellectual laziness. People need to reach a point where they discover God for themselves.
Because of the foundation my parents built, I didn't question God and then simply abandon the ideal. I questioned and felt it extremely important to get the answer. Is God there? For months I continued to attend church, and I prayed on a regular basis intently wanting to get an answer to that simple question. Nothing. I. Got. Nothing.
The only thing that kept me going was that I couldn't stand the thought of one day passing on...and meeting God face to face, knowing that I hadn't done everything I could. I continued despite the numbness I felt. The loneliness and disappointment became a regular part of my struggle. I continued trying.
Finally, the numbness had become the new norm. One night, I was feeling particularly disappointed. I felt abandoned...if there was a God. I felt like I had done everything I could. Why couldn't he give me just a little something? I was convinced that perhaps there was no God. As I pondered that thought, I felt I should give it one last chance just for good measure.
I drove out that night to say my last prayer. I found somewhere quiet, and I began to pray. I didn't say anything fancy. I just asked God if he was there. At that very moment, my mind opened...and answers to the questions I had pondered for months came surging into my mind. This was all accompanied by what up to that moment in my life was the most definite presence I had ever experienced. I knew that it was God. I felt it not only as if he were there, but also as if the love that he had for me was transmitted directly to my heart and mind. I was overwhelmed and moved to tears.
The spiritual withdrawal I had proved to be what I needed. Perhaps it's easier for God to get through to others...but for me, it took a long drought and a lot of persistence to earn that very distinct knowledge that God lives. Ever since then, I have never once felt the need to question the existence of God...because I know he lives like I know my own name. That knowledge has always stuck with me. I have no regrets or shame that I questioned. Had I not, I would be operating on borrowed light to this day...if I had any at all.
If you are feeling hopeless, alone, abandoned. I ask you to continue forward. It's part of the process. It's worth the struggle. Don't give up on God. Give God your heart and mind...all of it. Most of all, give God your patience. Your mind is not prepared for everything. God knows what you need and when you need it. Everything will be made clear when it needs to be.
This was the beginning of a very distinct pattern that God has used several times to teach me truth. I would like to share more of these experiences where this pattern has been utilized in hopes that others who struggle similarly will find hope.
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